


Baby Love

by LapfulofMisha



Category: Supernatural
Genre: I used to have a Suzuki Aerio and it was the best car I've ever owned, Other, cars doing the thing, mention of voyeurism
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-22
Updated: 2018-12-22
Packaged: 2019-09-24 22:07:48
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,117
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17108996
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LapfulofMisha/pseuds/LapfulofMisha
Summary: The Impala gets it on with a foreign car, and Dean loses his mind.





	Baby Love

Dean looks around the kitchen as he drinks his coffee. Sam and Charlie sit at the table arguing about the latest release of Minecraft, whatever the hell that is. Cas looks at his new smartphone with narrowed eyes like he might be considering smiting it – why Ketch thought it was a good idea to give Cas an iPhone is completely lost on Dean. He suspects it’s out of revenge for the stuffed-Chupacabra-wearing-a-ball-gag prank. Mary and Bobby are making heart eyes across the table, and _they’ve talked about this,_ for Chuck’s sake. Sam’s dog, whom he named Fido because he’s a dick, is chasing Cas’s guinea pig, whom Cas named Guinea Pig because he’s also a dick.

As for Dean himself, he’s lamenting the complete lack of donuts in their lives, and he’s damn well going to do something about it.

Happy to leave the peaceful but weird domestic scene, he wanders into the Bunker’s garage, and immediately draws his gun. Ducking for cover, he sneaks through the entire area, looking for the owner of the canary yellow Suzuki Aerio sitting next to his baby. He checks the Bunker’s doors – still locked from the inside. No one has entered the Bunker, he’s sure – their intruder alarms could raise the dead – and the warding hasn’t been tampered with.

That means this was an inside job.

“All right!” Dean roars as he reenters the kitchen. Guinea Pig is now sitting safely on Cas’s lap. Fido is sitting next to Sam with big, mournful puppy dog eyes that resemble his brother’s. “Who’s the asshole that parked a _foreign, plastic car_ next to my baby?”

Everyone looks up at him with the same annoyed-at-being-interrupted expression, except for Cas, who accidentally takes a picture of the table.

“No one has the guts to own up to it, huh?” He nods. “I should’ve expected as much. Fine. I’m going for donuts. That thing better be gone when I get back.” He stalks back toward the garage.

When he gets there, he sees the Aerio has been moved and is now facing the Impala. They are touching. _Touching!_ Dean swears creatively. _If that thing has left yellow paint on my car, so help me I will-_

Baby’s headlights flash off and on and the horn honks.

This is ridiculous. He walks in a wide circle around the Aerio. He sneaks up on it and peers in the windows. The car is empty, there aren’t even keys in the ignition.

He doesn’t know how the prankster is pulling this off, but he’s beginning to get angry. Nobody messes with his wheels.

Dean slides behind the wheel of his car, drives out of the Bunker and heads for the donut shop. His car has been acting up lately and he can’t figure out why. He had the hood open for an hour last night checking over every inch of the car and couldn’t find anything wrong.

After thirty seconds of tapping his finger on the wheel to the beat of Black Sabbath, his tape deck spits out the tape and it lands on the seat of the car. Dean squeezes his fingers around the steering wheel and swears angrily.

He parks in front of the donut shop. They’re out of long johns, which just solidifies his opinion that this day is going to suck.

Upon his return to the Bunker, and before he even gets out of the car, before he even _stops_ the car, that damn foreign car is nosing up to the Impala. It’s almost like –

No. No. That’s impossible. Obviously, Dean’s hunger has gone to his head and he’s temporarily insane for even _thinking_ –

Shuddering, he grabs the box of donuts and heads into the kitchen.

Sam is reading the newspaper. Fido is noisily slurping a bone. Cas’s phone is laying in a smoldering heap on the floor and he is stroking his pet. Bobby and Mary have subtly moved their chairs closer to each other and Charlie is pouring so much cream into her coffee that it can no longer be classified as coffee.

Suspiciously, Dean plops the box down on the table. He grabs an apple fritter and gets a beer from the fridge.

“A little early for that, isn’t it Dean?” Sam says without looking up from his paper.

“Shut up and eat that crème-filled, sprinkled, frosted monstrosity I bought you.” Sam finally looks up and gives him his patented bitch-face. Dean stares back at him with wide, challenging eyes as he slowly twists the cap off his beer and throws it at Sam. It lands in his hair.

“Real mature, Dean.”

“Kinda like the fucking car prank, Sam.”

Sam puts down the paper. “I don’t know what you’re talking about. Let’s go check it out. Cas?”

Cas gently sets Guinea Pig on the table, safely away from Fido. Guinea Pig immediately goes for the donuts. It crawls into the box. Dean slams the paper lid shut.

Cas stands up, frowns at the destroyed phone, steps on it to be sure it’s truly dead, and removes Guinea Pig from the box with an angry glare at Dean.

“Don’t worry. I won’t let him trap you inside any more food storage devices,” he whispers gently to the small animal. He leaves the room, presumably to find a haven for his pet.

“A paper box is not a device, Cas!” Dean calls after him, irrationally angry. He mentally makes a note of which donuts weren’t contaminated with guinea pig germs, then leads Sam to the garage.

Even Sam’s eyes bulge when he sees the yellow car parked alongside Baby. Their side mirrors are touching.

“I’ll give you this one, Dean. That’s – weird. I mean it almost looks like they’re -”

“DON’T say it.” Dean cringes. “Cars don’t do that. And, and if they _did_ , my Baby would never go for a foreign piece of _crap_.” He crosses his arms.

Sam purses his twitching lips in an effort not to smile, and Dean is _not_ in the mood for this shit.

Cas walks in, brushing guinea pig fur off his coat. He stands next to Dean and watches the cars as their side view mirrors begin to move back and forth in unison.

“Oh god!” Dean wails. “Sam! Is my car -”

“It would appear so, Dean,” says Cas, for once catching on to a situation. He’s getting better at the whole living on earth thing, Dean thinks.

“This is nothing to be alarmed about. It appears your car has found a mate. I’ve never heard of this happening before, but I believe it should be celebrated.” Cas nods in satisfaction.

“That’s beautiful, Cas,” Sam says solemnly before clearing his throat.

Dean considers punching him, but decides he has bigger fish to fry at the moment.

Dean takes a gulp of beer. _Cars don’t have mates. This must be part of the prank. Because it must be a prank. Maybe Crowley rigged this. That’s something he would do. Put a spell on my car._

Suddenly the Impala backs up. The other car opens and shuts all four of its doors rapidly.

“I think it’s excited,” Cas observes.

“Oh my god those cars are -” Charlie begins.

“Don’t _say it_!” Dean squeaks. He didn’t hear Charlie come in. Great, one more person watching his car do – this. Dean feels naked and embarrassed, and he hates it.

The Impala slowly drives up the Aerio like it’s a hill. It parks on top of it and the cars start rocking. The Impala crushes the plastic top of the car. Dean hears crunching, and squeaking, and the shocks of the Aerio as it is bounces up and down on the concrete floor.

“I gotta sit down,” Dean says thickly. He drops to the ground, sitting cross-legged and staring at his car. He remembers the look on Mary’s face when she saw the backseat of the Impala. He remembers when he and Ana commemorated her last night on Earth. He remembers getting in the car and finding Sam with a girl that was way out of his league.  

Maybe all that sexual energy was somehow . . . absorbed by the Impala?

The important question is – how’s he ever going to drive her again? Because – ew? What can he wash her with to cleanse her after this? Could he somehow boil his entire car without damaging her?

Cas sits down next to him and puts an arm around his shoulders. “Sex is a natural act, Dean -”

“Are you insane?” Dean shrugs out from under Cas’ arm. “There is nothing _natural_ about this!” He jumps when both cars begin honking and the Impala’s trunk pops open.

“Oh my god,” Sam says in awe. “Dean, I think the Impala just had an orgasm.” “ _Cas! Do something_!” Dean hadn’t realized his voice could actually hit that incredibly high octave. It was one of many things he was learning today.

Cas tilts his head and looks at Dean. “What – what do you want me to do? This could be a good thing, Dean. Perhaps the Impala’s performance will improve – you said she’s been a bit sluggish, and the tape deck stopped working -”

“God, just shut up!”

“Relax, Dean,” Sam says conciliatorily. “I think they’re finished.”

Dean stands up with Cas’ help. He sees Charlie’s been filming the event on her phone.

“Put that down right now!” He shouts.

“But Dean,” she says, pouting, “the Internet will love this. I mean they’ll think it’s staged, but it will definitely go viral.” She begins tapping on her phone.

Dean, for the first time, wishes he never left Hell.

The Impala backs down off the Suzuki after closing its trunk.  

“I’m actually kind of surprised at you, Dean.” Sam looks at him judgmentally. “I would’ve expected you to be proud of her.” He crosses his arms. Fido trots in to join them, panting and slobbering.

Dean puts his hands over his nose and mouth and rubs his face. He forgot to shave today.

“It’s possible they are having a relationship,” Cas observes. “You might want to get used to this. Find the Aerio its own parking space.”

_Oh Jesus, he hadn’t thought of that._ “No foreign piece of crap is parking in the Bunker! Not happening!”

“Well, that was deeply satisfying,” Rowena says, stretching her arms above her head as she walks up behind the small group. She’s wearing a yellow dress.

Gabriel walks up behind her, grinning as he sucks on a lollipop. “Didn’t know you guys were into voyeurism,” he teases.

Dean is on his feet in an instant. _Son of a bitch._ “ _What did you do to my car?_ ”

“It was a wee experiment,” Rowena says. “And it was … most successful.” She raises her eyebrows and grins at Charlie and the guys.

“You can’t be serious,” Sam says slowly. His face shows a mixture of horror and admiration.

“Oh, we’re quite serious, Sammy boy.” Gabriel grins at Rowena.

“You see, we decided to project ourselves onto inanimate objects and see if we would feel anything through them,” Rowena explains, to Dean’s complete and utter horror. He doesn’t want to hear this. He _really doesn’t_. But he’s rooted to the ground.

Gabriel wraps his arm around Rowena. “We challenged each other to find the strangest sexual activities imaginable. This was Rowena’s idea. Gotta say, I knew she was creative, but -”

“I’m going to boil my ears now,” Dean announces.

“Just wait till you see what _I_ have planned,” Gabriel whispers loudly to Rowena.

“LA LA LA LA LA LA LA LA” Dean screams as he sticks a finger in each of his ears.

Cas, as usual, is awkwardly curious. “So, each of you controlled a car with your powers. You moved them into sexual positions to simulate intimacy.”

Gabriel clapped. “You’re catching on, little bro!”

“I’ll kill you both,” Dean said calmly. He reached out a hand toward Cas while never breaking eye contact with Gabriel. “Give me your angel blade. Give it to me Cas! Right now!”

“I don’t think it’s appropriate to kill them over sexual activity, Dean. No one was hurt.”

Bobby and Mary walked over to the group. “What’d we miss?” Bobby asked. He and Mary were holding hands.

Dean storms out of the garage, without looking at his car. He knows Bobby overhears him mumbling about downing whiskey and he doesn’t care. He hears Cas calling after him and he doesn’t care. This has been the worst day of his life and it’s not even noon.

Why did it have to be a foreign car? Why not a classic? Or a sports car? At least there would have been some dignity in that. He will never live this down.

At least it wasn’t a Prius.


End file.
